I’m gonna tell you guys how to run for president of the United States. Even though it’s a big country, you can do a very little presidential campaign, so I did a very small, private one from my home. And you could do it from your home too. As we all know, you can’t have a presidential campaign without an image. My girlfriend didn’t want to take part in it so we got rid of her and I began to study a series of images. This one is too serious, this one: too outside, too suspicious, old, tragic, too Mapplethorpe, too Patti Smith, imitative, not fresh, too spiritual. Finally, I came up with this obvious image: the candidate with the dog. And this is an image that America would buy and would fly with, because you don’t have a woman alone, and you do have two females together. And so I get to make my point without scaring people, but without the threatening lesbian imagery. A happy campaign for America.
Also, people wanted me to have a platform, because you can’t run for president of the United States without a platform. So I came up with this sheet, which was “8 Reasons Why You Should Write In Eileen Myles For President”. Basically, I’d get rid of income tax, I would reduce defence spending, I wouldn’t live in a white house, because there are too many homeless in America. My vision for America is inclusive, all classes, races, sexes and sexualities can come, and I ran an openly female and queer campaign. I guaranteed healthcare for everybody in America, because I need it too. What else… A candidate needs a book! Now, Hitler had “Mein Kampf”, John F. Kennedy had “Profiles in Courage”. My book was “Not Me”. If I were to run this year, I would use a new book, let’s see… a more political book. This one here is “A New Fuck You”, adventures in lesbian reading, because a lot of my constituency is lesbian. Nice.
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